| She is an amazing little being.
She is growing so fast in front of my eyes.
In 3 months she went from being a helpless new life to smiling, laughing, holding her head up, and grabbing things. Her little hands have so much purpose now. She makes the most adorable coos & other noises. It's just amazing. There simply is no other word for it. I can't believe I made such a beautiful thing.
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| So it has certainly been a bit since my last update. This is because I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that occupies most of my time. :)
Her name is Emma. I have never loved anything so much. & This motherhood thing really does come naturally. I have all the love I need in my life. I couldn't imagine a world without her now. She was born on August 14, 2011.
I am so in love.
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| Only 8 days until my due date.
She could come at any time.
While I am extremely anxious for her to get out of my body already, I'm really starting to get scared.
What if I don't like her?
What if I'm a terrible mother?
What if she doesn't like me?
What if being a single parent ruins both of our lives?
What if I would rather be out partying than home with my child?
What if I get post partum depression?
What if I get the urge to throw her out the window? (I hear that's a common one)
What if I just can't handle it?
All of these things haunt me. I know they are worries that many new parents have, especially the single ones.
Eh, I know all of these things are just fears, & that there's nothing like a mother's love for her child.
I know I am more than likely going to love the shit out of my baby girl, I'm just scared to have another life in my hands.
I hope I can do this.
I hope I can find someone to do this with me.
This is the scariest thing I've ever had to do. |
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| I find myself missing things a lot more lately. But this memory- this is a wonderful one.
I was on my facebook & saw a post from a friend I had connected with in my Creative Writing class that I took in high school.
It's been about four years since then, & after the class- we pretty much lost contact.
Now, this disappoints me because I felt so close to all of those people in that class. We all shared our deepest secrets, fears, & loves with each other through our writing. We would read portions of our poems, short stories, plays, or free writing with each other. If you write, you know that it expresses words on a much deeper level than a simple conversation.
It's also mildly ironic that this struck me today, because Josh had taken his life the day before I started my Junior year. This class & these people helped me deal with this event. & The writing & encouragement from my teacher helped me express my feelings about it the entire semester. I wish I could go back to high school just to take this class again. & Also to reconnect with that amazing bunch of people once more.
We were all so intensely different. But in that room, we all shared something so strong.
It was beautiful.
I miss that. |
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| I feel so damn alone.
I mean, I'm surrounded by people that love me, & people that love my unborn baby...
But I've got no one to love, & it's killing me. I miss everything that I had. It all seems so out of reach & impossible to ever have again. It's been almost a year since I've even felt close to anyone... since I've felt needed by another human being. I miss it so much. I want what I had. I need to find a way to get it all back. I doubt it's even possible... & I really should just give up hope & try to start over new, but I don't think that that's an option for me. I don't even have anyone I can really talk to about any of this. The one person that I can tell anything to, is the one person who doesn't want to hear this from me anymore. I'm stuck. I'm alone, & I'm stuck.
I wish I could handle this. |
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